妻（29歳女性）と私（31歳男性）には3歳の息子がいます。私はフリーランスで1日10～12時間働いており、妻は専業主婦です。最近、妻はオンラインや友人たちに、私が「いつもいない」からシングルマザーのように感じると愚痴をこぼしています。妻が圧倒されているのは分かりますし、私もそうです。しかし、私は私たち家族を支えるために必死に働いています。
先日、妻が母親とのZoom通話で自分を「シングルマザー」と呼んでいるのを耳にしました。通話が終わった後、私は彼女にそれを不快に思ったと伝えました。私は遊んでいるわけでもなく、家族をないがしろにしているわけでもなく、仕事をしているのです。すると彼女は私が防御的になっていると言い、家ではすべてを一人で抱えているから「シングルマザーのように感じる」と言いました。
今は罪悪感を感じています。妻の気持ちを否定したくありませんが、一方で、彼女は私の努力をすべて無視しているように感じます。彼女を注意した私は、間違っていましたか？
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It sounds like you both really need a day or 5 off. Is it in the budget to plan something together while the kiddo stays with grandparents or a babysitter? Maybe a nice dinner or a night at a hotel together, just to reconnect and talk about how you’ve both been feeling, while also trying to understand where each other is coming from
Edit: NAH
I’m a SAHM with a husband who works longs hours (10 to 14 hour days), so I do understand what your wife means when she says she feels like she’s a single parent. I do school pickup, attend all school functions, parent/teacher meetings, do all the homework, and entertaining in the evening on top of all the domestic stuff that comes with running a home.
But, one of the many differences between myself and an actual single mom is that I know my hubby will be home eventually. I know I don’t have to work a job on top of everything else. Whether he gets home in time to help with homework or just rub my feet at the end of the day, I know some form of help/relief is coming.
On the flip side my husband often feels left out and like he doesn’t get time to be a dad and bond with our boys or be involved the way that I am. Because of that he’s often felt isolated from the rest of the family.
My hubby and I both had to learn that we are each gaining/losing something in regard to our situation. You and your wife need to have a serious conversation and realize that you are a team. Also find small ways you can help with the kids so she doesn’t feel like she’s managing it all. My hubby irons school clothes for our youngest at night and packs his lunch in the morning. On his days off (which are rare) he handles pickup and homework.
In return I try to ease his feelings of isolation by sending him videos of the boys throughout the day or helping him plan corny jokes/pranks for the kids when he’s around.
It takes balance and teamwork and lots of communication, but you both have to work to understand one another’s perspective and find a common ground that works for you.
Edited to clarify the fact that I understand the differences between myself and an actual single parent.
You’re working hard to provide money.
She’s working hard to take care of the kids.
You’re both stressed out and should talk this out. I’m not sure if you help out around the house with chores/spend time with the kid once you get home, but if you do, she’s definitely in the wrong. All in all, a real lack of specifics to really know.
NAH. You’re both fighting different battles in the same war.
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As someone who has been in this position, working 12 hour overnight, rotating schedule WO a kid, ive been in this situation before. Assuming you are working 50-60 hours a week to support the three of you. That’s ALOT of work. Would it be feasible that you two come to the decision to put your son into daycare so your wife could get a job(something so shes not home by herself all day?) Or even the job could pay for the cost of daycare. Because otherwise its only going to get worse her feelings will build and eventually will lead to separation-divorce. Id also suggest counseling for the two of you.
I’m currently a stay at home mom. Hubby is also a contractor and works long hours.
There are times where I feel like I am a solo parent. And it’s usually not because of his long hours. It’s usually because we will be in the same room with our three year old. Both of us in the same environment, and it’s me that’s the one “stop that” “put that down” “don’t do that” despite the fact that my husband is right there seeing hearing etc the same thing that I am. It’s 99% of the time me raising my voice, being the bad cop, being the one saying stop and no and don’t.
I know you’re exhausted and working your ass off for your family. I totally get that when you get home you just wanna doom scroll or zone out. I totally get it. But if you’re home and kiddos awake, just being present, engaging with kiddo, perhaps bringing the “hey buddy stop that” from you would be a huge help. If you can helping with bed time and bath time is awesome too.
If you get home after kiddos gone to sleep, straighten up the toys, maybe pop a load of washing on.
On the weekends (and dude I know you’re tired, she is too) take the lead with kiddo. Even if it’s just one of those two days (if you get two days off) or a morning or something be the number one parent.
Single mother of 25 years here, and he turned out to be a very good kid (software engineer)! Not to invalidate her feelings BUT, you are the only source of income and soul parent when you are a single mother. I just have to say I am a bit offended when SAHM compares themselves to Single mothers. I never say that I worked harder than my sister in laws who were SAHM, they have their challenges.
NAH — No one’s the asshole — my husband and I are in a very similar situation. He started his own company as a side hustle the same month we found out we were pregnant, then left his very stable job to pursue his company full time when I was 7 months pregnant (reasonably so, business was booming and his “day job” was standing in the way of his company exploding). Our kid is now 19months, and we’re newly pregnant with #2 and he’s working 6-7 days/week, roughly 12 hour days. I get him basically 5pm to 7:30pm for dinner, bathtime, and bedtime, then he’s back to work until about 11pm.
I do 95% of the housework, and 95% of the childcare on top of helping make sure our company’s contractors get paid, serving as our HR team, and working as a part time teacher at a community college. He’s working so hard to make sure the company stays afloat so we can afford a life we both want. It’s incredibly stressful, and ultimately, I am doing a lot of solo parenting. It sounds like your wife is doing the same, and that doesn’t take away from your grind, it just means she’s also grinding. Sometimes that leads to heated discussions and hurt feelings.
We have found the best thing for us is to talk about it and set clear, quantifiable or measurable goals. Sometimes the conversation just goes in frustrating circles, but most of the time we’re able to remind ourselves why we’re grinding right now. This week we even discovered that we’ve made enough that we’re actually going to be able to afford a new home that 2 months ago we swore was a far-off dream, so this week has been a particularly great week, but obviously most aren’t.
Being a parent, spouse, and trying to survive in the world today is so fucking hard, and I think you might need to just take a step back and understand that your wife is probably exhausted. I know for me, it’s easy to feel anger because I’m mommy 24/7, while my husband gets to step out and away from that at least once a day.
Ultimately it sounds like you guys need to have a chat after the kiddo hits the hay and talk about how you’re feeling. Don’t look to solve the problem necessarily, just seek to listen and understand.
**Editing to address a common response to my comment: while, no, I do not “talk shit” about my husband, I do speak with my mom and sister on occasion to vent. To constantly only speak to my husband when I’m stressed about the situation does us no good. Sometimes you need an outside perspective, and I also feel bad dumping my stress thoughts on only him when he is also just as stressed for different reasons. I don’t think OPs wife speaking to her mom is an issue. It’s unfortunate that the conversation happened within earshot of OP, but we cannot assume she did that purposefully. In a home with a toddler where she’s the primary caregiver, it’s possible that getting out alone in order to speak with her mother is quite difficult.
Again, ultimately, I do think it’s best that the two of them have a chat about their feelings without using blaming or accusatory language.
And to the redditor who posted saying my life seemed like a dream from afar, thank you, it can be very easy to forget that when things aren’t going so well — it’s been an incredibly long road of my husband working almost every waking moment for 2.5 years straight while I also dealt with pregnancy, raising a child, working 2.5 jobs, and medical issues that resulted in a heart surgery last year that I’ll need repeated after baby #2 arrives (unfortunately), but it’s weeks like this one when we discover that we’ve accomplished one of the big goals we set years ago that helps us see a light at the end of the tunnel. We are very lucky/fortunate to be in our position, as many who are on the entrepreneurial path don’t get to see the same type of success.
Father here. Have you think of asking her to get a Job and you cut your hours and stay more at home? That would be a right way to address both of you without losing income.
might be time for her to get a job, that way you can cut back and be more present tbh
I feel like the term solo parent is appropriate here, but not single parent. My husband is a long haul trucker and is gone for 2-3 months at a time (it has even been longer before). He is 100% working his butt off for us and I am a stay at home mom. We have three children (11, 10, and 7) the two older children are severely autistic. I get no breaks. We have no babysitters. Most people that are willing to help aren’t able to with that many kids (and the special needs). And between doctors appointments and meeting for school/therapies that typically take up the hours they’re at school. We both work very hard, but I would definitely not call what I do being a single parent. I have the emotional (and monetary) support of my husband. He would even agree it’s solo parenting. Now I went through a brief period of time before I met him I was a single parent and it was extremely different. It sounds like you’re both tired and frustrated and possibly discouraged. It also sounds like you’re both feeling invalidated by the other. I hope you guys can sit and talk about this honestly and openly without accusing each other of anything…it can make a big difference! Good luck!
If all your doing is working and not helping at home or with your kid at all I can see why she feels that way. I’m not saying you aren’t because you didn’t say I’m just saying if you aren’t that’s why she’s feeling that way. I work 50 hours a week and my husband stays home with our kid but I still come home cook dinner and clean up the house so not everything is on him because alot of times staying home is more work than working I’ve been on both sides.
Wow this comment section is FULL of projection. I sympathize with single parents I really do, but the reaction some of you have to someone saying they FEEL like one is absolutely wild.
You need to both sit down and have an entirely honest conversation about your arrangement. Is it unrealistic for her to get some more help when you’re home? Is she able to work even just part time, to cut down on your hours? You may feel good having some time at home, and she may appreciate getting to leave the house and focus on something else- even if it’s folding jeans at your local mall.
Ask her what she means by “handling everything at home” and try and reflect on your behavior. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, rather we all have blind spots and shortcomings we could be more aware of. She’s obviously stressed, and probably feels very alone. Being at home all day with kids can be isolating! I can understand why you feel your hard work is being undervalued, and she probably is feeling the same way.
I don’t think this is anything that can’t be resolved with a civil conversation and some honesty.
While you’re technically correct, I think you might have missed the emotional content of her complaint.
If she does all of the parenting, she is not incorrect by calling it “solo parenting.” She is doing all of the work of parenting. You are the “sole provider” correct?
Her struggles are not invalid because you have your own struggles with being the provider.
While you may work long hours, mommy often does not get to clock out.
My mom worked at times 3 jobs on top of caring for us. I get it can be frustrating being alone, but she’s definitely not a single parent
Single moms hate that shit too. As a single mom of 3, if my husband was working to provide financially- like 90% of my worries and stress would be alleviated. That’s not to say she can’t be frustrated or lonely etc, but single parent is wild
She feels like a solo parent because she is doing solo parenting. Those are her feelings. You are working hard to keep the household afloat. But that doesn’t mean she’s not going to feel like that. If you aren’t able to assist with parenting duties, it’s natural that she will end up feeling like this. It sounds like you both are living separate lives keeping the total life together. Acknowledge each other and what you both are doing and that you both appreciate each other’s responsibilities. You are in the stage of life where you have to give it your all to each other, the kids, and work. It’s hard. Been there and done that. Only way to get through it is to acknowledge and validate the feelings you both have.
To know the answer to this, I need to know how much you help with the kid/s and chores when you’re off work. I get that you work 10-12 hour days and that is a lot but so does your wife. Kids are a lot and especially at those young ages before school they can be exhausting and you can hardly even think sometimes, let alone on top of the maintenance of the house, so she is working the whole time you are, too by taking care of the kid/s and house. So unless you take on half the children and chores in your off time I’d say you are the AH because while you work 10-12 hour days, she is always working with no breaks which is not fair to her. On the other hand, if you do help with the child/ren and remaining chores with her after you get home then I’d say she is the AH because that would mean you’re putting in equal effort.
NTA. If she were a single mom she wouldn’t be at home with your child while you worked. Instead she would be caring for child AND working.
Being a stay at home mom can definitely be overwhelming and lonely but there is definitely a difference between the two.
Signed a stay at home mom of four who at one point was a single mom.
NTA but IMO you need to get in front of this with her now before she builds deep resentment. I went / am going through something similar where I worked long hours to keep our family afloat while she stayed home with the kids.
We didn’t discuss this enough at the time and in retrospect I would have checked in with her more — but I was super overwhelmed as well. It impacted our marriage and while we both quietly toiled away for our family she started feeling neglected and taken advantage of. We’re still digging out from under the unresolved resentment after our kids have launched. We’re together but we have stuff to deal with to stay together because of this.
So don’t ignore it, have conversation about what each of you is doing to support your family and how you feel. I was young and defensive and we both really just needed to listen to each other.
Sounds like you need to talk to her about what you can do to help her feel less burdened.
Keeping a child healthy and happy, plus running a household 24/7 is hard. It would be hard for anyone.
Remember that you chose to have a child, with a woman, and both those relationships need tender love and care.
Your kid is 3, what kind of childhood do you want them to have? One where dad and mom don’t get along?
You’ve heard what your wife feels, instead of asking what you could do to help, you told her you don’t appreciate how she feels.
It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong, or a bad partner or bad father, but sometimes that’s simply not enough
Having been in this exact position as a stay at home mother with a husband working almost to the point of obsession I know you’re both right.
However, that doesn’t invalid her feelings of neglect/ being unsupported. She is being neglected and unsupported. I would imagine that you’re also really unsupported right now.
If you’re working hours like that, when do you actually see your children? Do you contribute to the household in a practical sense? Cleaning/cooking/shopping/laundry? Are you responsible for getting the kids to wherever they need to be, e.g., school, play dates. Are you disciplining them?
I completely understand that you are working to ensure financial stability. It’s incredibly important. You’re keeping a roof over your heads and food in the cupboards.
You need to sit and have a talk about everything. Try to see it from each other’s point of view. Look at how to best support each other rather than laying blame at each other’s door.
What do you do to help out with the kiddo? Or the house? Just working to pay the bills doesn’t stop her from feeling a certain way. If you are not involved in getting the kid up, bathed, or fed, or put to sleep… It makes sense why she feels like a solo parent. If you don’t help cook or clean, this may exacerbate those feelings.
That doesn’t negate what you do, but it’s understandable why she might feel that way.
True single mothers also work outside the home or rely totally on benefits/relatives. NTA
My dude, organise a babysitter and take your wife out for a nice meal. Spend some time reconnecting. I know life is busy. But if you don’t tend your marriage, it will fall apart – and while you wait for that to happen you get to enjoy years of endless snark and resentment.
Take her comment as a sign that you need to spend some time together. Don’t just dismiss what she’s said as her being a shitty wife.
She’s letting you know stuff is goin on and you need to start paying attention.
Not enough info to know, but my guess is she’s feeling that way because she’s not getting help when you come home. Do you help on your days off? I haven’t read any replies on what help you give. Maybe update the post to explain what help you give for better response?
INFO: You say you feel like she ignores everything you do. Do you think you ignore everything she does?
Do you understand the challenges of being alone with a small child all the time? She might not be a single parent in the respect that she has to bring in the income but it sounds like she is solo parenting all the time and you don’t class that as work.
She’s a single parent who doesn’t have to worry about paying the bills which is a step up from being a single parent who does have to worry about paying the bills – but is still lonely and frustrating. Your kids grow fast and one of these days you will regret you didn’t spend time with them instead of pursuing the dystopian American lifestyle. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate.
I’m the breadwinner in my family as well. She feels like a solo parent because she’s doing the parenting alone. Yes, you’re providing for the family but she is the one catering to a child all day. There is a difference, you’re both valid with important roles. The issue is you are taking offense when she vents about it.
Not one is the asshole here.
Hey OP I’m in your wife’s same position, but we’ve been at this for many more years. I think if I could have my husband understand anything it’s the mental load. It’s not just being alone with the kids for 12-14 hour stretches (although that’s really hard), it’s that I’m doing that and I’m the only one that knows them, their little lives, their growth, and their struggles. So every decision falls on me and the pressure to get it right is INSANE. Hubby tries to make decision for the kids but he often lacks the necessary context to chose well. So I feel like a single mom even though I’ve always been married to my baby daddy.
If your work hours can’t change maybe focus on meaningful midday check ins, evening debriefs, and group decision making. Good luck!🍀
she’s just overwhelmed and venting, but you’re right to feel hurt too